March 30th 2020
U.S.-Americans have reported they're very optimistic about the stimulus package passed by Congress last week. In particular, people all around the country are excited to get paid with a little bit of the money that they paid the federal government already.
Americans from all walks of life said they couldn't wait to receive a check with a small percentage of the money the government had already taken from them.
"I can't wait to get that $1,200.00 check of my own money," said one man in Texas, rubbing his hands together. "Surely this will get the economy back on track."
From the rich to the poor, American citizens spent many hours dreaming of all the things they will spend their newfound riches on. "With $1200, I could save enough to pay my taxes on time this year," said one woman in Los Angeles. "Thanks so much, Congress. You're the real heroes here."
A small percentage of the population said they thought it would be way more efficient for the economy if the government just didn't take the money in the first place. These people were shouted down as "libertarian conspiracy theorist wackos" and told to move to Somalia.
Sadly, by the time all the administration costs, government pet projects, and handouts were factored in, the stimulus each American was to receive became a negative amount, forcing Congress to raise taxes to pay for a new stimulus bill.
[Colour fonts and bolding added.].
Babylon Bee subscriber Korie Raley contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!