April 3rd, 2020
U.S.—After state governments across the country directed their citizens to shut down their businesses and just kinda hope things worked out, a new order has been issued: everyone is to jump off a bridge immediately.
A government official issued the order to solve our current crisis, and everyone immediately complied.
"Everyone jump off a bridge," said a representative of the government.
"OK," said everyone. "If the government says so, it's probably a good idea. Besides, what can we do? It's the government. They definitely have the best people working on it."
The directive was designed to end coronavirus. Medical experts believe it's the best, most effective way to stop the virus. Assuming everyone follows through and obeys the order, coronavirus will be wiped out, according to officials. There are no bad side effects, as far as anyone can tell. A few people pointed out that it could kill everyone, but these people are anti-science and obviously hate their neighbors.