Afternoon,we are continuing today with another chapter in Fiona's ordeal with her torturers. I am thinking that far more a percentage of the American population is already under lock and key mind control then we care to believe. I have been gathering information over the last two months via first hand experience,listening to and observing,nurses,doctors,over 19 days and 3 seperate hospitalizations. Much more to say in my next post.Biggest advice I can give now...If at all possible....STAY OUT OF HOSPITALS.
Eyes Wide Open
by Fiona Barnett
I shifted restlessly on the lounge which was grubby from a thousand clients’ sweat and tears. I reluctantly began to speak, ‘I was swimming laps yesterday. I got to my eighth lap and felt a sense of relaxation come over me, like I was finally cognitively digesting last week’s session. Then I heard an inaudible voice say, ‘It’s okay. I’ll take care of this.’ Initially, I thought it might be a God thing because it felt similar – but that wasn’t God. I said out aloud, “Who the fuck are you?”’
‘Who was it?’
‘Do you want to talk with her?’ My eyes widened.
‘I’m scared of her.’
‘Oh, so you know who she is?’
‘A name came to mind. Sascha.’
A scary Amazonian warrior. She’s fierce.’
‘Okay, so let’s chat with her.’
I glared at him with trepidation.
‘Of course, you want to do this!’ My therapist positioned himself near me, placed a cushion on my lap, and motioned for me to rest my hands on it. ‘So, I just want you to set up a meeting and have a chat.’
‘Let’s just get one thing straight: I am not going to let her into my mind and experience this from her perspective, coz that will end in one of two ways: either she seduces you - or beats you up.’
‘Well, if those are my two choices, I suppose I choose seduction.’ I smiled.
‘Yeah, well she did take out a therapist once when I was young.’
He began tapping my hands. I reluctantly cooperated. I began picturing a meeting room in my mind. It was a basement in Holsworthy, where Gittinger first assessed me. I saw pale grey concrete walls, a wooden table and two chairs. Sascha sat opposite me, dressed in Army uniform. She was seven-foot tall with auburn hair that fell past her shoulders in wavy layers. Her muscular arms were crossed in front of her chest.
I awkwardly began, So, err, hi.
The tapping stopped. ‘What’s going on?’ my therapist asked.
I described the scene. ‘I really don’t want to talk with her. She’s just one of those angry aggressive lesbian types that I don’t gravitate toward.’
‘Oh, so that’s what this is about. She’s gay and you feel uncomfortable with that.’
‘Well, yeah. Amazonian warrior princess alters are man-hating lesbians. That’s what the cult women are. The cult women are gay or bisexual. The only reason they get married is to fulfil their duty to breed Illuminati children. They tried to condition or train me to be the same. But I’m not.’
‘So, you have an issue with her being gay.’
‘Err, I also have an issue with a few other things – like her killing people!’
‘She killed Jason!’
‘So, you didn’t do that. Sascha did.’
‘Of course, it wasn’t me! I had no bloody say in it! I didn’t even have time to think before she just took over, walked up to him - and snapped his neck!’
‘Okay, so I want you to talk to her. See what she has to say about this.’
I closed my eyes again while he resumed tapping my hands. I was back in the Holsworthy room, sitting opposite the angry lesbian. So, I tried again, As you can see, we need to talk- . . . Sascha leapt from her chair, grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me hard up against the wall.
The tapping stopped. ‘What’s happening?’
Me: ‘Well, I am dangling in the air with her fingers around my throat. You might want to tap a little longer next time.’
Tap-tap-tap . . . Stand . . . down . . . Soldier . . . I managed.
She dropped me.
Now, I continued, I am your commanding officer and you will do as I say. Sit down.
She returned to her chair.
You are part of a unit. Right now, the unit is going in one direction, working toward a common objective, but you are doing your own thing, going the opposite way. You are causing chaos and jeopardising the entire team. It’s not okay to just eat meat and drink beer. Some others in the unit want to eat fruit and veggies. And you can’t go about swearing all the time – my mother and Jon are giving me grief over that. And lay off Jon! He’s the one who supports the unit. He buys your beer!
The tapping ceased. ‘What’s happening,’ my therapist asked again.
I relayed what just occurred.
He said, ‘You’re doing all the talking. We want to hear from her. I’m sure she has something to say.’
Tap-tap-tap . . .
I returned to the room. You must talk. I am ordering you to talk.
She scowled at me with contempt and spoke: You think I’m stupid.
‘What did she say?’ my therapist asked.
‘She said, “You think I’m stupid!”’
‘Ohhh, so you think she’s stupid.’
‘Well,’ I stumbled, ‘I think she’s . . . all action.’
‘So, you think she’s stupid. Well, isn’t that nice. That must make her feel really accepted.’
Tap-tap-tap . . .
Look, I began sheepishly, I appreciate everything you’ve done. You’ve been out front this whole time, defending us all. You did all the hard work – and, you did it well. But now it’s time for you to find something new to do instead of . . . killing people. You seem to like swimming. That Dagon training incident is obviously your thing, so maybe you can take care of the laps? She began to cry.
‘What’s happening?’ my therapist asked.
‘I made her cry.’
Tap-tap-tap . . .
There’s more to you, I puzzled. I stretched to see what was behind Sascha. There must be more of you. Suddenly - the scene changed. I was in the Holsworthy underground. The rough walls were carved out of rock. A small girl sat on the ground before me. She looked no more than eight years old. Her auburn curls sat in layers. She was sobbing aloud. Her tears drew clean lines down her filthy face. A gun was slung over her shoulder.
‘Why don’t you approach her?’ my therapist asked.
‘Because she’s holding an AK-forty-seven!’
‘Talk to her. Find out what’s going on.’
Suddenly, I was viewing things from the child’s perspective, behind a cocked gun. It was like being in a computer shooting game as I kicked open a row of cell doors and mowed down the occupants. Then - I was back in front of the sobbing child, her clothes splattered in blood. I crouched down in front of her and examined her face. Her eyes faded to blue and I recognised myself.
She snatched the gun and pointed it at my eyes: Back up! she warned between clenched teeth, Or I’ll blow your fucking head off!
I tilted my head to one side, smiled with pity, prised the gun from her little hands, scooped her tiny frame into my arms and hugged her close. Her entire body began to convulse against my chest. It’s okay, I assured her. I’m so sorry. I began stroking her hair which fell off in a clump, revealing long, straight blonde hair. It was just a wig. They dressed me in a wig to create another alter who assumed responsibility for the killings.
‘She’s just a little kid,’ I gasped.
‘Yep, she’s just a kid,’ my therapist echoed.
I returned to the meeting room where Sascha had sat. Instead of the angry warrior, I saw a petite teenage girl dressed in khaki, staring shamefully at the floor. She sighed in resignation as she pulled off her auburn wig to reveal long straight blonde hair.
‘They’re just children,’ I shook my head. ‘Both are children. They’re minors.’
‘Yes, they are. It wasn’t their fault.’
‘What?!’ The words felt like a burning sword piercing my being.
‘It’s not your fault.’
I dropped my head into the couch and wept… ‘Come on,’ my therapist almost whispered as he gently placed my limp hands back on the cushion. He tapped as I cried and cried from some unfathomable place.
‘I want my mummy,’ I finally uttered. Just then I remembered Anne Conlon approaching to console me - but pushed the mental image away in disgust.
Eventually I settled, wiped my blurry eyes, and spoke. ‘My daughter made me do a personality test.’
He laughed. ‘Which one.’
‘I don’t know, some vocational test. She’s doing an intro psych unit and the lecturer has the class playing around with personality tests. She hassled me until I agreed to do it. She reckoned it was accurate. So, I did it. I couldn’t believe it. It was spot on. It perfectly described what I’m like in relationships, what I was like at work and uni. It explained how I can extract conversation out of anyone, and how that enables me to identify people’s strengths and delegate work tasks to them. Guess what profession it matched me to?’
We laughed. ‘And the other career choices were interests that I’ve already sort of pursued, like teaching, writing, journalism, and acting. It identified that I get bored easily and need jobs that are forever changing and allow me to be autonomous and creative. It also described me as the most friendly and caring personality type. . . I’m not a bad person.’
‘Who said you were a bad person?’
‘Oh, Bond and . . . all the other pedos.’
‘Well of course they’d say that - that’s what perpetrators do.’
‘I don’t help people because I was abused and now suffer Save-the-world Syndrome. I help people because that is a feature of my core personality. The test identified my core personality that exists apart from my child abuse. I am more than my abuse.’ His mouth gaped open at my pivotal realisation.
‘Wow.’ He sighed. ‘Let’s sit with that. You are more than your abuse.’
‘I am not solely defined by my child abuse. That test showed me I have a personality beneath the PTSD. I have a good, healthy personality that has nothing to do with my abuse.’
* * *
AUSTRALIA’S THERAPEUTIC WASTELAND
I processed the first half of my abuse, primarily incest and ritual abuse experiences, during the early 1990s. My last drawings of that memory retrieval phase showed my being spun in an egg-like contraption in a CIA lab beneath ANSTO. I showed the drawings to my mother who asserted, ‘That’s enough now. You don’t need to remember anymore.’
So, I stopped.
Stopping the memories was probably a good decision since I had insufficient therapeutic support at the time. Although I had seen psychiatrists since my sixteenth birthday, they caused more harm than good. The first committed suicide. The second failed his final psychiatry examination six times. The third dismissed my PTSD flashbacks of ritual abuse as a ‘metaphor for incest,’ and his nursing staff mocked me as I lay in a foetal position beneath my hospital bed, screaming at vivid images of babies being murdered. I defiantly poked my 20-year-old finger at the useless physician’s face and asserted that while I may not have understood my memories, I refused to deny them. I also refused to numb myself with their vile drugs.
I was on my own. I had no way of understanding what I was experiencing. Australia offered no experts, no books, and the internet had not been invented. So, I implemented the only thing my state school education taught me – how to teach myself. I set about researching my condition.
After completing art college, I fell into post graduate studies in art therapy. That course contained an introductory unit of psychology. The study of psychology seemed more scientific than drawing Jungian mandalas, so I transferred to that. Psychology, followed by motherhood, led me to my ultimate passion – gifted education. The combination of academic knowledge of psychology, art psychotherapy, and gifted education, formed the foundation of my escape from the matrix. I also fell into supporting victims of ritual abuse and mind control, where I discovered how to bypass the conscious mind and access implicit memories using drawing.
Finally, 25 years after my first flashback, I possessed the knowledge, skill, and fortitude to finish the task. I found therapists capable of executing my design. But don’t mistake this for some kind of happy ending. None of these practitioners wanted me on their books. Like most Australian therapists, they were clueless about ritual abuse and mind control. Yet this time round, I refused to let therapist inadequacy interfere with my goal. I planned every step of my integration process and hammered my therapists to help implement my plan. Eventually, my 35-year marathon paid off. I remembered what was done to me and why, which smashed the programming and facilitated integration.
Research indicates there are benefits to integration. One study found, ‘Patients with dissociative disorder who integrated their dissociated self-states were found to have reduced symptomatology compared with those who did not integrate.’
I was relatively high functioning immediately prior to integrating. I’m not saying I was perfectly healthy, but I was certainly as stable as 99 percent of the mental health workers I have ever met. Victims like me often present as high functioning, which is why victims are over-represented in the helping professions. Victims can compartmentalise their lives into roles(which is the only benefit of forced dissociation). For example, prior to my stroke, I coped easily with doing two master level degrees at once. I could totally immerse myself in academic study from dawn to midnight and block out all else. I felt most relaxed when writing research papers about complex issues - in a state of Csikszentmihalyi’s ‘flow.’ Victims like me feel comfortable and function optimally under extreme stress. We perform amazingly under pressure in hospital emergency rooms and under cross examination in the court room. We are the type you want in a life-threatening situation like a terror attack. But don’t ask us to stand in aisle six and decide which brand of tea to purchase. Soldiers with PTSD do the same, perform brilliantly in the field yet fail to cope with simple decisions at home. Someone has to take that slack.
Before integration, I was impossibly demanding and stressful to live with. My children were vicariously traumatised to the point where they needed therapy themselves. My family felt responsible for fixing a situation only integration could alleviate. My husband’s health was adversely affected by his constantly trying to placate me and juggle my mood swings. Our family safety was compromised by the vulnerability dissociation brings because a dissociative victim is accessible. Perpetrators trigger victims to keep the programming active, force the victim into error as part of a set-up, or access and instruct them under hypnosis.
When a victim is triggered by something that reminds them of the past, their right brain hemisphere is activated and reacts as if the trauma incident were presently occurring. They may feel angry, afraid, dizzy, and or nauseous, for example. Because their left brain is deactivated during a trigger, they do not know they are reliving a childhood trauma. Instead, they think they are emotionally reacting to something that is happening now. The left brain mistakes this right brain emotional perception as new stimuli related to the current surroundings and sets about doing its job of sequencing and ascribing context. It pins the blame on someone or thing in the victim’s immediate environment. I typically blamed my husband and kids.
Trauma-Based Forced Dissociation damages the frontal lobes and splits these areas from the remaining brain. The frontal lobes conduct the brain, like someone conducts an orchestra. Frontal lobe executive dysfunction impairs the victim’s ability to plan, organise, concentrate, remember, multi-task, make decisions, control emotions, put the brakes on inappropriate behaviour, and find the motivation to start a job task. The result is chaos, like when every instrument in an orchestra plays a different tune. When someone is not integrated, the burden of their chaotic mind falls onto others, mainly family. It takes a team of mental health workers, plus many thousands of dollars, to manage a dissociative client’s daily life. The workload and associated costs are severely reduced by integration.
I integrated because I hate pain. I could not stand the physical pain caused by dissociation. I could not stand that sickly, confused sense of dread that consumed my being at Halloween and other significant ritual dates. I was tired of unconscious trauma memories manifesting as depression, anxiety, terror, anger, hypervigilance, nightmares, and inexplicable mood swings. I was tired of losing control of my emotions and will. My entire life was one big trauma response. Prior to integration, every decision I made was informed by my trauma experiences.
Sleep disturbance is another reason to integrate. Prior to dealing with my issues I suffered dreadful sleep disturbances. In my youth I awoke from nightmares, screaming. I had trouble falling and staying asleep. A clue to the relevance of consistent sleep is found in the following extract:
A study was carried out at Stanford University some years ago concerning the nature of brainwashing… Not interruption of sleep but lack of dreaming was important. Theories now suggest that what we experience during the day is processed through dreams at night; when this continuity is broken, we lose our psychological equilibrium and controls.
Sleep is essential for processing. Victims are typically programmed not to sleep, to stop them processing, remembering and integrating. I slept soundly for the first time in my life, after processing my ritual abuse memories in my early 20s.
I spent two years trying to convince my DID friend to integrate, and all I got in return was constant resistance and arguments. Then, one day, she announced she was pursuing integration. When I asked why, she said the same thing I had been saying:
You feel all the pain and negative emotions associated with the torture and trauma anyhow, in a constant loop, so you may as well just face the fear, process the memory, and break the loop. That way, you have one less set of painful memories impacting your daily life. And with each integration, you begin to stabilise more and more.
INTEGRATION IS NO CURE-ALL
I had hoped integration would completely cure my PTSD. It didn’t. Complex PTSD may be a permanent, developmental condition. The standard treatment for PTSD involves convincing the client that although they were unsafe during the original trauma, they are safe now. The problem is, the victim must remove herself from the source of trauma in order to heal. In the case of victims of ritual abuse and mind control, the abuse is ongoing thanks to perpetual harassment from the trafficking network. Thus, my fellow victims and I have never had the chance to completely recover.
Another limitation is that the brain only has so much plasticity when it comes to reversing personality changes forcibly created during development. It is like sending a young child to ballet to straighten out her twisted knees. The resultant changes stick for life. Similarly, I can’t easily switch back to the introvert I was until age three years.
While a victim’s brain can’t be completely restored as though it were never tampered with, successful integration achieves remarkable clarity of mind and dramatic symptom reduction, making it a worthwhile goal. Integration completely removed many symptoms of forced dissociation, and dramatically reduced the intensity and duration of my PTSD symptomology. The difference between dissociation and integration is like comparing a nightmare with dawn.
INTEGRATE WHILE YOUNG
I tried to fully integrate in the early 1990s but lacked the therapeutic support to do so. Consequently, I had to wait another 25 years to finish the process. I found integration extra physically and mentally gruelling due to my older age. Young people bounce back more easily. With integration I began noticing the physical pain my body had always been in, particularly the nerve damage years of electrocution caused. My integration correlated with a sharp decline in my neurological health including memory and concentration. I think it caused brain damage. So, I recovered mentally just in time to begin my physical decline into old age.
I integrated too late to do something constructive with my life. I am now too old and disabled to work, to start all over again in some career. Had I integrated 30 years ago I might have been able to establish myself in a chosen profession unheeded by susceptibility to triggers. Most importantly, I woke from my dissociative slumber to realise my kids were grown, and that I had not been psychologically (or sometimes physically) present for them. I longed to experience motherhood all over again with an in-tact mind.
These are the reasons I recommend victims pursue integration in their youth.
RECIPE FOR THERAPY SUCCESS
I will now explain what worked for me and why. I will offer my approach to the forced dissociation typically encountered within ritual abuse and MK-ULTRA mind control. I am not presenting my experience as a set formula for fixing this type of abuse. Like I said, no two cases are identical. Each victim’s abuse is individually tailored to their unique combination of personality, environmental, and other variables. Individual subject characteristics, the quality of technology used, plus perpetrator skill, shape how abuse manifests in a victim’s therapy and daily life. For example, my perpetrators were the MK-ULTRA pioneers and used military grade equipment. When I was spun (as all victims are) it was on sophisticated equipment instead of a home-made spit roast set-up. A further example of difference is, I received a Grande Dame version of the Princess programming other victims report experiencing. These differences likely contributed to why:
1. My personality switches were comparatively seamless and manifested as mood swings, instead of blatant Sybil style switching.
2. I was co-conscious during therapy, while most victims remain dissociative and typically emerge from a session oblivious to what just occurred.
3. I have never heard voices, when most of the DID survivors I know do so.
I tested highly intuitive, creative and intelligent. This may explain how I designed and drove my own therapy process in the required direction. I trusted that my implicit memory knew where to go, based on its intimate knowledge of what Gittinger did to me. Further, I had experienced therapy both as a client and a practitioner, which armed me with understanding of how people’s brains typically respond to therapy, how trauma memories behave, and how productive therapy feels.
Another factor to consider is, my experience of ritual abuse and mind control is the most extreme example imaginable, incorporating the entire menu of child abuse possibilities. Therefore, my integration was destined to be unusually complicated, intense, and dangerous. So, to reiterate – do not use my experience as a blueprint for recovery.
The purpose of this chapter, and the entire book, is to validate victim’s memories and trigger new ones. For therapists, I provide clues regarding what happened to their clients, and suggestions for guiding victims on the healing path. The most important thing therapists say I provide them is an understanding of the programming and the roles played by dissociative parts. Therapists say I have helped them to: realise what questions to ask of clients; gain the trust of dissociated parts; relieve the guilt and shame felt by parts; convey belief and validation of client experience; relieve repressed emotion; and make sense of the trauma experience.
My primary aim is to provide victims with a sense of hope in the face of impossible adversity. My message is this: If I can do it, if I can survive the ultimate abuse experience, so can you. There is a way out of your unique programming matrix, and with persistence and trust in your Right Hemisphere, your implicit brain will lead the way.
Understanding begins with appropriate language usage. Psychology and psychiatry are saturated with language and labels that simply do not explain or match my abuse experiences. Consequently, I have adapted or created my own relevant terms.
1. Trauma-Based Forced Dissociation is a term I created to describe when a victim is intentionally traumatised, using refined techniques, to artificially induce the brain’s natural ability to dissociate. To explain, the brain is created with a defence system that kicks in when overwhelmed by sensory input. Consequently, when someone goes through the windscreen during a car crash, they might recall the moment prior to this, or perhaps the ambulance ride afterwards, but typically not the moment of impact. The brain naturally dissociates to protect the person from feeling overwhelmed by the trauma.
In 1991, psychiatrist John Briere conducted a study of post-traumatic dissociation in 450 male and female adults receiving therapy for child sexual abuse. On average, the abuse started at age 6.5 years, lasted 11 years, and involved two perpetrators. Near 60 percent of subjects experienced abuse-related amnesia before the age of 18 years. The study also showed the likelihood of memory repression increased with certain variables: abuse at an earlier age, longer duration, and greater violence (e.g., multiple perpetrators, physical injury, threat of death if victim disclosed).
Dirty doctors, psychologists, and neuroscientists conducted unethical research experiments to understand this natural dissociation phenomenon. They discovered how sensory overload techniques (including spinning, torture, auditory and visual stimulation, and psychotropic drugs) coupled with unethical hypnosis, could induce dissociation on demand. The result of trauma-based forced dissociation is a compartmentalised brain. Each ‘alter’ sits isolated behind amnesia walls and possesses its own network of neural circuitry. Experts in personality and motivation then load each isolated brain section with an independent set of memories and personality characteristics. The abusers also intentionally create neural circuits which act as thought loop traps, so that instead of processing the abuse memories, the victim’s mind gets stuck in unproductive thought cycles in the form of intellectualisation, or obsessive thoughts.
2. Integration is the retracing and unravelling of the forced dissociation process. Integration results when the victim’s brain overwrites the unhealthy neural pathways that perpetrators created via unethical conditioning, and then rewrites those pathways with new knowledge. This process depends on neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to change. Belief in the brain’s plasticity is what enables the victim to cut replacement neural pathways and so achieve integration.
To illustrate, I suffered a vestibular system stroke in 2009 which affected my vision and balance. Following the stroke, I could not balance on one leg, when immediately prior to my injury I attended a weekly acrobatics class in which I effortlessly performed front walkovers. Thinking my stroke was in the visual processing system, I embarked upon a relevant rehabilitation program. While this did restore a significant amount of functioning including improved balance, a vestibular rehabilitation program six years later was life changing. My rehabilitation therapists attributed my success to my belief in neuroplasticity, in the brain’s ability to cut new neural pathways to bypass my stroke damage. They drew comparison to a physiotherapy student who failed the same therapy program simply because he did not believe it could work.
My point is, victims must have faith in the therapy process. They must believe their subconscious brain knows exactly what happened to them and will tell them what steps to take in order to heal. In fact, the victim’s brain will usually know better than any therapist.
3.Trauma-Focussed Therapy identifies and processes the traumatic incidents that initially caused the dissociation. It treats the cause instead of the symptoms of dissociation. Nothing substantial results from topical therapy techniques that superficially manage anxiety and depression, or which focus on meeting every dissociative part. The MK-ULTRA perpetrators know this, which is why their modern therapy approaches designed to keep victims in a perpetual state of dissociation, helplessness, vulnerability, and dependence on a psychiatric system that has failed to heal since its inception 100 years ago.
4. Developmental Trauma Injury (DTI) is a term derived by James Shanahan to describe a permanent condition caused by chronic early childhood trauma. This condition has no name within mainstream psychiatry, notably the DSM. While it lacks a name, it therefore has no treatment and can be misattributed to other inappropriate and unhelpful labels. This problem is by design since psychiatry traditionally taught doctors that child abuse has zero harmful effects.
Two DSM labels that mainstream psychiatry and psychology use are DID (formerly MPD) and PTSD. These terms do not adequately capture the complexity of ritual abuse and mind control. Trauma has its greatest impact during a child’s first decade and becomes more like PTSD with age. So, PTSD does not accurately describe the impact of childhood trauma on a developing brain. The terms Complex Trauma and Complex PTSD have been used by trauma focussed therapists, but they too are developmentally insensitive and not listed in the DSM. Van Der Kolk provided an argument for the inclusion of Developmental Trauma Disorder in the DSM-5; however, the word ‘disorder’ beguiles the criminal nature of what was inflicted upon victims. I think Developmental Trauma Injury best describes the impact of early-onset child abuse on development.
NATURE OF TRAUMA-
Treating mind control victims requires an understand of what the perpetrators did to cause the dissociation. Knowing removes the power that mystery has over the victim and transitions the victim from learned helplessness into feeling empowered to act. Conscious awareness is the key to rupturing and collapsing the programming, just like the final scene of The Matrix film.
The MK-ULTRA mind control process is based on trauma. Trauma is employed at every step of the way. Trauma is used to: create the initial attachment violation; bond victims to their perpetrators; fragment the brain into multiple personalities; program or condition a victim; and enhance a victims’ natural abilities. Since mind control is trauma based, it is essential for victims and therapists to understand how perpetrators manipulate the human body’s natural trauma response, and treat victims using a trauma-focussed therapy approach. There is a known typical response to chronic trauma experienced during childhood. This response kicks in when a child is exposed to multiple occurrences of sexual, physical or psychological abuse, or neglect. This trauma response is what most leading psychologists and psychiatrists in the 1950s - 70s were CIA-funded to study and artificially induce within a laboratory setting. Considered in the context of ritual abuse and mind control, the trauma process reveals how and why CIA perpetrators manipulated it.
CIA-funded scientists mapped exactly which part of the brain does what. The public have not been granted access to this information. Instead, a general idea of perpetrator methods is obtained from examining and comparing: what mainstream therapists know about the effects of chronic childhood trauma; the relationship of this to the attachment process; the content of mainstream scientific research publications relevant to trauma and memory; and the wealth of knowledge stored in victims’ implicit memory.
Victims typically know what was done to them and why. Gittinger stored this information somewhere in my brain, in preparation for my becoming a programmer. While I do not immediately recall this content, if I follow a hunch it invariably leads to a flood of recall.
IMPLICIT TRAUMA MEMORY STORAGE
A RIGHT → LEFT → RIGHT model of hemispheric processing makes sense of how the brain processes trauma. The right hemisphere is emotional, intuitive, tactile, and visual spatial. It receives new stimuli including sight, taste, smell, sound, touch, and body position. The right brain functions implicitly. Its implicit functions include attention, learning, thinking, and memory. It communicates non-verbally via facial expression and body language. The left hemisphere compares new information with known information. It sequences and categorises new based on previous experience, which stamps the experience with a timedate-place. The left brain applies simple language to a new experience so it may be discussed by the victim.
Different types of memory are supported by different brain systems. One major distinction exists between short and long-term memory. Long-term memory is further divided into two categories: -
-Explicit memory is conscious, verbal, comparative, and stored in the left hemisphere.
- Implicit memory is non-conscious, non-verbal, and is stored in the right hemisphere. It include visual images, emotions, and body sensations.
The right brain unconsciously stores and responds to emotions, faces, gestures, places, smells, sounds, and touch that a victim experienced in childhood. Body sensations are unconsciously regulated by the autonomic nervous system (which controls heartbeat, blood flow, breathing, digestion, etc). Hence a direct link between implicit memories and body reactions. Traumatic memories are not processed like ordinary ones. Trauma causes the explicit memory system to fail and the implicit memory system to activate instead. Trauma experiences enter the right hemisphere. They are not passed to the left hemisphere for processing. Consequently, trauma memories remain fragmented and stuck in the right hemisphere as unconscious pictures, emotions, and physical sensations. Trauma memories lack the left-brain sequencing that makes sense of experience, and the language application needed to verbally describe experience. This is how repressed trauma memories form, and how the body remembers what the conscious mind forgets.
Research indicates trauma and dissociation are localised in the implicit right brain. For instance, fMRI research shows mainly right hemispheric activation in PTSD patients during dissociation. Further, flashbacks activate the right hemisphere and deactivate the left. Specifically, Brodmann’s area 19 lights up in the right brain while Broca’s area blacks out in the left.
The hippocampus is essential for certain forms of learning and memory. Autobiographical memories rely on hippocampal processing and storage of what, where and when life events occur. The hippocampus is associated with implicit memory, including relational memory for face-scene pairings, incidental learning, long-term memory retrieval, and rapid associative learning. Chronic trauma damages the hippocampus and causes difficulty with storing and recalling information. During a trauma event, the flood of sensory information short-circuits the hippocampus. Trauma memories, including emotions and visual images, bypass hippocampal processing and move directly to implicit memory where they stay undigested, perpetually stuck in the age at which the trauma happened.
Mainstream scientists recently developed a prosthetic hippocampus. When a brain receives sensory input, it creates a memory that travels through multiple areas of the hippocampus. The signal is re-encoded at each area until it reaches the final region as a completely different signal that is sent off for long-term storage. DARPA (US Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency) commissioned university and hospital scientists to create an artificial memory system that interfered with this encoding system.491 Researchers identified a brain’s neural firing patterns, synthesised a neural firing code from this, and used an electrode implant to communicate this code. They then bypassed a section of neural pathway in the hippocampus and used their implant to bridge this gap by relaying the implant neural message, in the brain’s own code.
Publications on this project have been vague and varied. Depending on what we read, the device reportedly bypasses the hippocampus, is a hippocampal implant, forms new longterm memories, creates short-term memories, creates implicit memories, reinforces learning, replaces memory, or improves memory. Whatever the description, DARPA, who are solely into weaponizing everything they fund, developed a brain implant that can be used to implant implicit conditioning (programming), repress memory, and create false memories. Declassified documents reveal the US military have long possessed science and technology that is decades in advance of mainstream publication. It is therefore plausible that MK-ULTRA perpetrators possessed the technology for manipulating the hippocampus back in the 1970s.
PAVLOVIAN FEAR CONDITIONING
The hippocampus plays a role in regulating the fear response. Hippocampal damage prevents the person consciously remembering they were conditioned to fear something - but does not affect the actual fear conditioning itself. Also, strong emotions including fear naturally bypass the hippocampus and prove hard to extinguish.
The fear response is an example of classical conditioning, a type of implicit memory which formed the basis of MK-ULTRA mind control. Pavlov (1927) paired a bell (conditioned stimulus) with a shock (unconditioned stimulus). This pairing triggered an aversive emotional state (fear) at the sound of the bell. The conditioned stimulus elicits an innate behavioural response, plus physiological responses controlled by the autonomic nervous system or the endocrine systems.
Classical conditioning develops and maintains PTSD. Orval Hobart Mowrer’s (1960) Two-Factor Learning Theory incorporated classical and operant conditioning. The first factor is learning by association (classical conditioning). The second factor is instrumental learning (avoidance behaviour) which involves consistent avoidance of both the conditioned stimulus (bell) and the unconditioned stimulus (electrocution). This theory explains PTSD triggers. The fear generated by child abuse is associated with other cues (e.g., medical procedures) which are avoided by the victim.
At age 10 years, I was conditioned with the fear response as follows. ANSTO staff strapped my body to a medical bed and connected my brain to an EEG. They electrocuted my chest with paddles every time the EEG monitor indicated I was starting to fall asleep. This produced terror, a heart reaction, and an adrenaline surge. Consequently, when extremely threatened in adulthood, my fear triggered a physical sensation, a flashback. Every time I began falling asleep, I was jolted awake by a massive adrenaline surge, chest pain, and a heart that exceeded 240 beats per minute – perhaps higher, as that was the measurement device’s threshold.
These are resurfacing visual images, sounds, smells, emotions, and physical sensations that were stored in the right brain’s implicit memory during a trauma experience, and which flash into conscious awareness unchanged by the passing of time. During flashbacks, victims experience the images, emotions, and physical sensations they experienced during the trauma incident (which became frozen in time and remained undigested in the right hemisphere) as if they are experiencing them for the first time.
My first and clearest visual flashback occurred in 1991. I was sitting in a hospital bed when the room completely disappeared, and an entirely different scene appeared. It was like someone suddenly changed the channel on an enormous television screen. Suddenly I was looking close-up at a waterfall of blood cascading in slow motion. At the time I had no idea what I was seeing. After drawing the experience, I realised this was a memory from when I was five years old. I was kneeling in front of a table with my hands tied behind my back. My step-grandfather and his next-door neighbour were murdering the neighbour’s three-year old son on a makeshift altar in his front room. I was drugged, which explains why everything was a little fuzzy and moving in slow motion during my flashback.
My most bizarre visual flashback occurred early one morning. I awoke hungover from a party the night before. I awoke in a mildly dissociative state due to the alcohol which, according to Wendy-Louise Walker, causes dissociation. I was disturbed by light streaming through the window. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw a sepia-coloured film projected onto the back of my eyelids. I saw landscape moving away from me at a rapid pace. I opened my eyes, thinking I was imagining things, then closed them again. Next, I saw landscape moving toward me. I stayed with the image and soon realised it was a visual flashback. I was riding in the back of an army jeep with a unit of male soldiers dressed in combat gear and carrying guns. I was seated on the left side with my back to the outside. When I looked toward the front of the vehicle, I saw two soldiers: a driver on the left, and a passenger seated in the right-hand side wearing a helmet and holding a gun. When I looked out the rear of the jeep, I saw we were driving on a dirt road. The landscape resembled parts of Australia, but it wasn’t. I explored this memory further using EMDR and remembered I was in Central America at age 14. I Googled the guns, uniforms and landscape I saw in my visual flashback and concluded it was Nicaragua.
My most memorable physical sensation flashback occurred when I was asleep. I suddenly awoke at 1am, screaming and arching at being electrocuted when I was 10 years old. It felt exactly like being electrocuted in the here and now. I could feel a huge 50cm wide electrode on my back and the individual pin pricks of heat. I screamed like I was being murdered. My startled husband stuffed a pillow over my face for fear of the neighbours phoning the police, which didn’t help.
Some flashbacks last days. On one occasion I had a flashback of being drugged. I felt stoned for three days. The most excruciating episode was a three-day pain flashback which I likened to drug-free childbirth. Valium did nothing to reduce the pain.
Flashbacks like these are rare and increase in intensity and duration when the victim actively seeks integration. More commonly, repressed memories surface as comparatively mild physical sensations including: headaches, migraine, isolated external head pain, chest pain, limb pain, weakness, fatigue, sleepiness, racing heart, shortness of breath, dizziness, unsteadiness, vertigo, fainting, chest tightness, shaking, itchiness, sweating, nausea, stomach aches, numbness, tingling, surreal sense, choking sensation, hot flashes, cold chills, blurred vision, ringing in the ears, and irregular heartbeat. Victims, therapists, and doctors are typically clueless regarding the cause of these symptoms, so they treat them with drugs instead of identifying and treating the trauma that caused the symptoms.
Other symptoms of survivors include grand mal epileptic seizures with a temporary cessation of breathing. Doctors managed to strap one survivor to an EEG machine in the midst of a seizure – his brain waves registered normal – in other words, the fit was not a true grand mal, but a body memory of electric shocks years after the torture occurred.
Flashbacks are triggered when the victim returns to the state of mind they were in at the time of the original trauma. This mechanism is based on the concept of state-dependent memory which determines that memory retrieval works best when a victim is in the same state of consciousness they were in when the memory was created.
In 2015, researchers identified a brain mechanism that can (a) hide traumatic memories, and (b) retrieve those repressed memories.493 Scientists administered to mice a drug that stimulates extra-synaptic GABA receptors. These receptors alter the brain's state and can make a person ‘aroused, sleepy, alert, sedated, inebriated or even psychotic.’ The drug made the mice mildly inebriated. The doped mice were put in a Skinner box and electrocuted. When the mice were returned to the same box the next day, they did not recall being electrocuted and so behaved normally. However, when scientists drugged them before putting them in the box again, the mice froze in fear. The mice remembered being electrocuted after they were returned to the same brain state created by the drug. This experiment demonstrates that:
a. extra-synaptic GABA receptors help to encode trauma memories and store them in the subconscious memory system; and
b. trauma that occurs while extra-synaptic GABA receptors are activated can’t be remembered unless the same receptors are reactivated.
In lay terms, this study indicates that drugs and electrocution can be used to create, and then access, repressed trauma memories. If a child is drugged while being electrocuted, the drug reroutes processing and forces the brain to store memories in the implicit system where they can’t be consciously accessed. To access the implicit memory, the brain must be returned to the same state of consciousness as when the memory was stored - the same emotional mood, physical place, activity, drug-induced condition, or hypnosis-induced dissociative state. The mice study suggests something else – that triggers may be used to retrieve repressed memories.
TRIGGERS ARE TREASURES
Trauma causes the child’s brain to create a neural pathway that is managed by the instinctual part of the brain. This lower brain area assumes control over brain and body functions including the fight-flight response. The new pathway is maintained by reminders of the original trauma. These reminders, or triggers, can be smells, tastes, sounds, sights, situations, or body movements. When exposed to the trigger, the child responds as if being traumatised again, and shifts into fight-flight mode.
Perpetrators regularly retraumatised the victim throughout childhood and adulthood, to keep desired neural pathways open, unwanted neural pathways shut, and the final programming structure intact. The CIA and their complicit organisations employ agent scum, informants, and provocateurs to continually harass, set-up, and retraumatised adult victims. To the outsider, this highly organised, standardised operation looks like the victim is either paranoid or - as one of my friends labelled me - a ‘shit magnet.
Victims of ritual abuse and mind control are conditioned to avoid triggers. People place trigger warnings at the start of videos and articles about the subject. Therapists are careful not to trigger their DID clients. In the early 1990s, therapists were taught to ‘respect patients’ defence mechanisms,’ which was another way of saying, do not trigger clients. This avoidance of triggers is another means of keeping victims stuck in their trauma cycle.
Since 1991, I have swum against the ignorant tide and encouraged victims to bulldoze through their defence mechanisms and embrace triggers. Triggers are the key to memory retrieval. Consider: when you lose your car keys, your memory must be triggered for you to recall where you left them. It’s a common-sense, right-brain concept.
Here is an email to my therapist which provides an extreme example of how I used triggering to retrieve my memories. My co-consciousness allowed me to steer the therapy process. Using EMDR as an ignition, I could dive into my subconscious mind, target specific memories, fish these out and draw them into my conscious awareness.
20/02/2015 3:08 PM
This is what I need to do – I need to deal with the attachment violation. Whatever Gittinger did to abuse this phenomenon has risen to the surface of my consciousness. It is preventing me from functioning. Unfortunately, I must endure more pain before I can deal with it. I can’t concentrate, study, function In this state of distraction.
Anticipation of this planned remedy is all that is sustaining me right now. I need a double session asap. I am getting Jon to download the footage of Gittinger, join the several segments of his speaking, repeat this footage over and over on a loop and place the loop footage on a DVD. Then, I need you to do the EMDR. As soon as you have done the EMDR I need Jon to play the Gittinger footage on our TV. I need you to do the EMDR 3 times allowing me to process and react between each dose. I do not want you to refuse to repeat the EMDR – no matter what you perceive my reaction to be. I know exactly what I am doing and you must trust me. My heart will certainly hold up - it was fine even during the flat-lining regression. It is just a simulation and not the real thing, if that makes sense.
You and Jon must not touch me during any of this -unless I tell you to. You must not talk during this process – because saying the wrong thing pulls me out and prevents me from revisiting the place I need to see. I do not want to be grounded in any way to the present. I must be allowed to completely relive this one. Do not tell me that ‘it’s over’ or to ‘just let it be there, do not fight it’ – These instructions are, and have always been, Counter-productive and inapplicable to what I am doing. I suspect I must travel back through 3 layers of programmed walls to reach the attachment programming.
If we screw this up – I will only have to start all over again and I will not be able to move forward until this process is achieved. I anticipate this will rip open the attachment programming. If I have Gittinger’s voice playing on a loop in the background I should be able to trigger myself and steer my mind to locate the memory. I do not care how exhausting or dangerous it looks – It is only me revisiting the past. I know when this is happening that I am not actually there. I am more than prepared for this. I am in no way at risk. I just need you to trust me and follow my instruction.
* * *
I do not suggest others copy how I did things. I knowingly, stubbornly flogged my body to its limits. I could have suffered a heart attack while processing the worst of my memories. Ideally, I should have had a medical team on standby during this stage of my healing and completed the most intense work as an inpatient in a suitable clinic with nursing staff and therapists who knew what they were doing. But this does not exist in Australia, so I winged it.
Integration is a dangerous, painful process, the risks of which should be carefully considered before commencing. Beside the risks associated with abreaction, know that memory recovery triggers the programmers’ built-in defence system. Each program is connected to a trauma incident which, when remembered, destroys the program. Consequently, programmers do everything to stop victims remembering their trauma. The programmers protect each program with a booby-trap which, when triggered, initiates conditioned pain, OCD thought loops, depression, anxiety, flooding, flashbacks, suicidal ideation, or the desire to self-harm. It is crucial for the victim to realise, these are not her thoughts, behaviours or will, but externally imposed thoughts and feelings. The victim must be relieved of the guilt and blame associated with artificially induced thoughts, feelings and behaviours. This includes being turned into a Manchurian Candidate and made to commit criminal acts they would otherwise shun from had they not been brainwashed zombies.
Integration starts with a suitable therapist. The last thing a victim needs is a lousy therapist who ditches them mid-integration. To maximise your chances of successful integration, select a therapist with a minimum 10 years of experience as a trauma-focussed practitioner. Ensure they possess advanced EMDR training and regularly update their skills at trauma-relevant workshops. You want someone stable who has worked on their own crap, and who entered the industry because they like helping people rather than to fix their own issues. Avoid someone who started off enthusiastic but has since become disillusioned with the industry. Ask them how and why they ended up in psychology, and whether they themselves have experienced therapy. If they become defensive at your probing, wave goodbye.
A therapist must be intelligent and intuitive enough to work with bright victims. Psychologists gained an idea of their IQ level while learning IQ testing. Ask your candidate therapist what their IQ is. If it is under 130, they will prove too left-brain dominant and narrow-minded, feel threatened by victims, not understand your cognitive style, and relish at every opportunity to disprove your intelligence. Sounds immature, but it happens all the time. Some therapists will even use the power imbalance to punish victims.
You need a therapist who is open-minded enough to appreciate that reality stretches beyond the limits of their own experience, so they do not mistake our legitimate experiences for insanity. You want someone who understands the spiritual dimension without erring toward the occult. Genuine Bible-believing Christian therapists are by far the best, but these are rare. Christianity is the cult’s favourite cover. Most churches are social clubs at best, child trafficking operations at worst. For this reason, avoid most church-based counselling services.
For all victims, there are benefits to experiencing both male and female therapists at different stages of their healing process. But the implications of therapist gender should be considered. Many therapists have sex with their clients. And I am not just talking about male therapists. Female therapists will seduce male or female clients. I know of a female therapist in my local area who had sex with a dissociative female client’s child alter. I researched the predator to find she was a proud member of the Freemason Order of the Eastern Star.
Sometimes an unsuspecting therapist can be seduced. The sexual advances of a young, attractive female specifically trained to target and arouse men can be hard for male therapists to resist, since the male brain shuts down at a certain point during arousal. This is one way a victim will test the therapist. If he fails the test, he will likely meet a less attractive personality with combat skills. So, I recommend female victims engage a female therapist until the Beta alter is an integrated conscious brain component.
Embarking upon the integration process is akin to boarding a roller coaster. Once the ride commences, the individual has three options: endure until the end when integration is achieved, be captured by the cult and reprogrammed, or jump. The therapist must commit to supporting the victim for the duration of the ride before it begins. Pulling out half-way can kill a client. It is the therapist’s responsibility to ensure they have the knowledge and skills to do the job, and not chicken out the moment things become uncomfortable – as they surely will.
TRAUMA & ATTACHMENT
The impact of trauma is buffered by a child’s attachment bond to their parents. If the attachment bond is missing, the child stops depending on others for help, and she can’t regulate her emotions. Consequently, she becomes anxious, angry, and long to be cared for. Perpetrators intentionally destroy the child’s natural attachment bond using torture to cause overwhelming trauma. They then take advantage of the child’s longing for caring by using love bombing to create artificial attachment bonds between the child victim and her perpetrators. The bond between therapist and mind control victim is unique because it is influenced by the attachment violation perpetrated against the victim at a young age. The child’s natural attachment to their biological mother was purposely and viciously severed. The victim was artificially bonded to a surrogate mother, the Grande Dame. My attachment with this person was particularly strong, considering my Grande Dame candidacy which made her my mentor and confidant. To further complicate the usual therapeutic relationship, most abusers are psychologists or psychiatrists.
All this guarantees the victim will displace their feelings for her abusers, plus their attachment issues, onto the therapist. Subsequently, apart from the standard cult harassment and threats, the therapist’s greatest challenge is managing the client-therapist bond which must be firmly established before any major integration work starts.
The therapist provides a substitute attachment until the victim can develop a secure internal attachment. This process took me 18 months and it was a terrifying act of trust. Bonding with a therapist is essential for memory access and brain integration. Once the bond occurs, and all personality fragments agree to trust the therapist with their lives, the victim automatically transfers all feelings for the perpetrators onto the therapist. The upside to this situation is, the therapist is granted unprecedented access to the victim’s mind and memories. The victim responds to the therapist’s voice and instruction like a robot. Such passivity enables the victim to be pacified during times of extreme distress, by the mere sound of the therapist’s voice.
The downside to this bonding is, the victim is totally dependent on the therapist for as long as the portal to her past is open. At each trauma, bout of excruciating pain, wave of fear or terror, the victim seeks the therapist’s voice - like when a screaming baby settles upon hearing her mother. If that voice does not come, the victim’s pain and panic escalate. As in a mother-child relationship, the victim is pacified by just knowing the therapist is contactable. Much internal chaos can be avoided if the therapist is merely available. A sense of availability reduces the number of times the victim needs to physically contact the therapist. If the therapist is largely unavailable, if the victim must demand, beg and work for every minute of productive therapy received, this exacerbates the victim’s frustration, anger, exhaustion, and the sense that she is losing her mind.
As part of the bonding process, every front personality fragment will manifest and test the therapist, to determine whether they are intelligent, ethical, caring, humble, and spiritual enough to see the process through to its conclusion. Even after the therapeutic relationship is established, the victim will test the therapist at regular intervals, to check they are sufficiently committed for the victim to progress to the next level. The therapist may be challenged on every aspect of their existence. This makes the victim demanding, yet her demands are purpose driven: the victim is checking whether she will die during the encroaching integration process.
The bonding process is exacerbated within the client if the therapist maintains an usand-them mentality toward clients. All the above can be avoided if the therapist presents as an equal to the client and discards the elitist attitudes typically fostered in therapists at university. Therapy only works once a mutual relationship, akin to friendship, is formed between the victim and therapist.
EFFECTIVE THERAPY APPROACHES
The therapeutic goal is to cut new neural pathways that allow the brain’s isolated systems to work together. Effective therapy stimulates bilateral processing, releases the content of implicit memory, and lets the left brain transform right brain implicit emotional learnings and visual and somatic experiences into explicit verbal events. Effective therapy enables the victim to identify and verbalise emotion and make logical sense of the trauma experience, so she can cognitively respond rather than emotionally react to triggers. Responding involves the victim consciously recognising she has been triggered and taking practical steps to stimulate her vagus nerve and calm her sympathetic fight-flight system.
THE INTEGRATION PROCESS
‘Phase-orientated’ therapy for DID follows three recognisable treatment stages:
- Establish safety, stabilisation and symptom reduction.
- Contain and process trauma memories and feelings.
- Integration and rehabilitation.
However, treating DID stemming from ritual abuse and mind control is not that simple, for two reasons:
1. our abuse is ongoing due to constant targeting, and
2. our brain splits were intentionally, not organically, created.
3. If your recovery can follow the above neat pattern – great. Mine could not. My treatment was a messy blur. I did identify a sequence to the memory retrieval process. I repeated three basic steps for each trauma incident:
If I processed a memory according to these steps, it never bothered further. Sometimes revisited the same event that I experienced in more than one state of consciousness, in more than one personality state, or from a different physical position. For example, I processed being near drowned in a ritual pool in a cavern system beneath ANSTO and Holsworthy. Years later, I had to process this same experience, only this time it was a memory of being suspended in the air above the pool. My brain had somehow stored the single event as two separate experiences.
Trauma memory recall typically starts with the victim experiencing a nightmare, emotion, visual image, or body sensation flashback. The victim then attends therapy which focuses on that symptom. Effective therapy accesses the visual images of the trauma incident, body sensations, and emotions experienced during the childhood trauma. The victim must verbally describe the trauma incident. At some stage, she must feel the repressed emotion that occurred with the abuse; this may be delayed, hitting the person the following day. Ongoing therapy intervention and aftercare are essential to the integration process. Drawing the abuse incident provides further detail and clarity. Swimming aids hemispheric digestion and soothes the sympathetic nervous system.
According to this sequence, I processed the first half of my memories using art therapy, and the second half using EMDR in conjunction with drawing. Internally, the process of art therapy and EMDR feel similar. Both bypass the unethical hypnosis, ECT, and drug effects to access implicit memory. Both allow victims to resurface and process trauma material at a manageable pace and intensity level. The brain only brings up what it can cope with at the time.
Art therapy is both a learned skill and an intuitive artform. Anybody can acquire basic skills, but it takes innate creative ability to read a drawing like a brain scan and direct the process. The victim does not need artistic ability to do art therapy. If they can draw stick figures, they can do art therapy. Besides, they soon free up and surprise themselves. The only material required are fat crayons in a range of colours and a pile of copying paper. It is important for the client to know that it does not matter whether what they draw is an actual event or a product of their imagination. All roads lead to Rome. The unconscious memory content will seep out in either symbolic or concrete form. Telling the client to ‘just guess’ what might have happened to them, accesses implicit memory and stimulates intuition. And I found that repeating an instruction at least three times helps to bypass unethical hypnosis.
When I first heard about EMDR, I dismissed it as a hypnosis offshoot. Like hypnosis, EMDR is a form of bilateral stimulation. Unlike hypnosis, it is non-suggestive. There are two main ways of delivering EMDR: (1) Directed eye movements, or (2) Alternating bilateral hand taps. I experienced both. When dealing with the strongest memories in the lead up to integration, the therapist would wave a hand back and forth across my eyes. I would then sit back and wait for whatever came to mind. My next therapist had me place my hands face down on a pillow and alternatively tap the tops of my hands.
During EMDR memory reprocessing, memories are retrieved from implicit memory, processed in working memory, and re-stored in long-term memory. The left brain reprocesses and reorganize the implicit trauma experiences; it sequences the event, applies context (timedate-place), and finds language to describe what happened. The pivotal trauma memories must be retrieved and fully processed, including re-experiencing, or abreacting, the emotions.
EMDR cognitively processes traumatic events.495 The underlying neural mechanism of action of EMDR remains unknown. EMDR does not appear to produce the altered consciousness state associated with hypnosis.496 EMDR may act as hemispheric synchronization.497 The psychologist in charge of the Monroe Institute advertises EMDR as a form of hemispheric synchronization. Neurobiological models suggest EMDR increases interhemispheric communication via the corpus callosum. The most recent hypothesis is that EMDR simultaneously increases connectivity between the two hemispheres, plus within the right hemisphere. Trauma memories are disseminated into the right hemisphere as meaningless, dissociated fragments, like pieces of a shattered mirror. The goal of EMDR is to reassemble those visual, auditory, and somatosensory fragments.
ABREACTION Freud coined the term abreaction to describe the release of the strong emotion associated with a repressed trauma memory. The emotion became stuck in time at the point of the original childhood trauma and is being properly processed for the first time, though abreaction. When a victim abreacts implicit trauma memories, the mind and body react as though the childhood event is presently happening. So, when I abreacted being flatlined at age 10 years, I was in danger of my heart stopping again in adulthood.
EMDR pioneer Shapiro devoted a significant portion of her original clinical manual to defining and describing abreaction, and to providing guidelines for using EMDR to accommodate abreaction of repressed emotions.On page 96, the author specifically addressed the inherent risks associated with reprocessing near death experiences and torture by electrocution. Shapiro described how practitioners prepared for extreme cases by having resuscitation equipment and medical staff ready.
Abreaction is essential. Presently, I see no other way of processing the emotional trauma associated with extreme abuse. Yet mainstream therapy is changing the definition and therapeutic role of abreaction. One of my therapists argues that abreaction is too traumatising and has no place in the EMDR reprocessing experience. They prefer to focus on how I feel now about my childhood trauma, as an adult reflecting on the abuse, instead of at the time of the childhood abuse. This is the denial approach pushed by Antony Kidman and the APS guidelines on repressed memories.
This latest addition was devised to address concerns about clients like me whose trauma memories are extremely intense, and who dissociate during EMDR. Flash EMDR produces favourable results in relatively minor trauma cases that involve natural dissociation and adult trauma experiences. It does not effectively process developmental trauma stemming from forced dissociation. Do not compare ritual abuse, trauma-based mind control, and ongoing cult and government harassment, with anything less. The intensity of repressed emotion and subsequent abreaction is proportionate to the severity of the trauma to which it is attached and must be treated accordingly.
I clearly recall the moment the ‘vortex’ to my past opened. It was during an initial EMDR session. I was suddenly struck with a memory and I nearly leapt from the chair. I describe the vortex as a deep, jagged wound, shaped like the opening an old-fashioned can opener cuts into a tin can. It remained open for 1.5 years and closed the day after Richie Benaud’s death at Easter 2015. My brain informed me the moment it closed, by sending me a soft yet clear image of a thin veil of fresh flesh covering the wound.
The opened vortex allowed unprecedented access to my memories and let me relive and feel the pain associated with my child abuse. During therapy, my memories usually emerged as faint visual images followed by a flood of thoughts and feelings that I experienced at the time of the abuse. I would describe what I saw, before being struck with the repressed emotion. I abreacted the emotion and felt the physical sensations as though the trauma incident were presently occurring. I relived torture, spinning, drugging, unethical hypnosis, and electrocution. I felt the pain as though the torture were happening today.
I once heard a radio interview with a leading USA neurologist. He hypothesised that psychological pain registers in the brain as physical pain. The problem with nervous system pain is that others can’t see it, and therefore they are likely to dismiss its severity. My pain was akin to having one’s physical body smashed up in a car wreck and left to rot without anaesthetic for 1.5 years.
When a memory began surfacing, unless it was immediately processed my symptoms would exacerbate and I became increasingly at risk. The moment I finished processing my memory via EMDR and abreacted the accompanying feelings, the symptoms dissipated, and that memory immediately ceased to bother me.
The most critical times during the therapy process occurred when Gittinger’s suicide programming was activated. Outside of the vortex being opened, and my being triggered, I was not a suicide risk. I did not even contemplate the notion of harming myself. However, mind control programming is layered with commands to involuntarily suicide.
Memory recovery was a violent experience that commenced with vertigo and ended with mild brain damage; it included memory loss and extreme light sensitivity. I suffered vertigo, nausea, chest pain, and cardiac dysrhythmia. The most critical 18 months of memory processing included Mengele’s Core split plus Gittinger’s attachment violation. These months took such a toll on my body, on several occasions I required physical nursing, which was nonexistent.
Despite being EMDR trained, my therapist knew nothing about grounding. I innately grounded myself to the present, to stop me becoming stuck or lost in the trauma memory. Visiting the past feels like dropping through a chasm in the floor, while holding someone’s hand makes me feel like I will not fall. One time when I needed to wake up out of dissociation, I told my therapist to take my hand and squeeze it very hard. Although co-conscious during therapy and aware that I am not actually back there, I’m still at risk. I once got stuck mid-abreaction such that I looked at my therapist in terror and exclaimed, ‘Don’t leave me here!’ At other times, when I needed to retrieve a deeply buried memory, I ensured no-one touched me.
I used hypnosis long after I integrated my Core, and once I felt sufficiently stabilised. Hypnosis returned me to the state of consciousness I was in at the time of the abuse, thereby granting me unprecedented access to my hypnosis-related memories. I found it beneficial for processing deep, residual memories. My therapist combined hypnosis with EMDR, which accessed the most deeply buried memories.
If you could undergo hypnosis with a clean expert like Corydon Hammond, I’d say ‘go for it.’ Find Hammond’s astounding Greenbaum Speech on YouTube and consult his hypnosis handbook to gain idea of the base hypnotherapy skill and understanding required to work with ritual abuse and mind control. Review Shapiro’s comparison of EMDR versus hypnotically induced abreaction.502 Read Secret Don’t Tell: The Encyclopedia of Hypnotism (1998) by Carla Emery, for a comprehensive overview of the history of unethical hypnosis. If your therapist does not know or agree with this reading material, move on. If your therapist mimics what Wendy-Louise Walker practised – run.
This is part of the Hearing Voices approach that I discovered via a retired therapist who had success treating adolescent youth labelled schizophrenic (i.e., ‘traumatised’). She trained in trauma and Voice Dialogue and adapted this to working with the dissociated parts of mind control victims. I was thrilled to finally have an alternative therapy technique I could recommend to ritual abuse and mind control victims labelled psychotic, schizophrenic, bipolar, or personality disordered who were subsequently thrown in the ‘too hard’ basket. Psychiatry reduces everything to an illness originating in the victim, which is just another form of victim blaming. The Hearing Voices approach emerged from realising that peoples’ environmental experiences are meaningful and determine the thoughts and behaviours that psychiatrists label symptomatology. It explores the person’s internal dialogue and how they make sense of the world, rather than what the DSM describes.
The Voice Dialogue method recognises that the right hemisphere’s unconscious processes are more dominant than the left’s conscious, logical nature. It focuses on attachment style, which develops and continues to motivate behaviour at an implicit level. The method is influenced by Transactional Analysis and recognises that everyone has different components of self, such as internal child part and an external parent part, that interact to cause conflict. Treatment consists of identifying these parts and their roles, and changing the relationships between parts, to facilitate emotional awareness and collaboration between the fragmented selves. When a client hears voices, that is usually an indication that a part of self has become disowned by the system and is screaming to be heard.
It is easy to see how the Hearing Voices approach is readily adapted to working with a dissociative victim of ritual abuse and mind control who has multiple personalities. The goal is to dialogue with the parts that hold trauma memories, dissociated feelings, emotions and sensations. The method allows the therapist to facilitate the processing of a trauma memory held by a part, without the Core person being exposed to the trauma memory. Voice Dialogue is about changing the relationship between the Core person and their dissociated parts. It also involves negotiating between the parts so that they do not assume dominance over the Core person, so that everyone is working together. It involves recognising that each part played a crucial role in helping the Core person survive extreme trauma. Another objective is to assign each part a new meaningful role, to replace the role imposed on them by perpetrators.
I intuitively engaged in the process of role reassignment by taking up Judo, classical singing, and shooting. I engaged in Voice Dialogue and used it as a therapy gap filler. I found one-hour therapy sessions insufficient; they left me dissociative and distressed, and my trauma-focussed therapist never recognised or addressed my front alters. So, after my weekly therapy session, I typically phoned my retired therapist friend who worked with me for another few hours to finish what my therapist had only just started. She would ask to speak with the alter who is aware of the trauma experience causing the symptoms, and simply ask what that alter knew. In response, I would download copious amounts of information stored in implicit memory. All someone ever had to do was ask me the right questions.
‘I’ BEFORE ‘WE’ There is a place for alter recognition, but this must be limited and purposeful. Alters are real, mini personalities with their own neural circuitry, who experienced and hold the memories of trauma. At some stage, alters and their trauma need to be acknowledged, validated, and relieved. Therapists mainly need to know front alter names and roles. Each front alter represents a myriad of back alters, so if you win over the front alter, you cover the alters hidden behind them.
My front alters were namely Soldier Alice, Intellectual Alice, Ritual Alice, Red Alice (a combination of the former three) and Glinda. Sascha and Angel were also front alters, but more hidden. Soldier Alice protected my internal system and co-operated with Intellect Alice to manage interaction with the environment. Ritual Alice stored the implicit trauma experiences and pain in her memory circuitry and threw childish tantrums in response to trauma triggers. Glinda took a back seat after I left the cult and Kidman cursed my creative endeavours. Ritual Alice attended university. Sascha endured the physical ardour. Angel guarded my Core.
I did not allow my parts to identify themselves or speak until long after I integrated my Core, and I refused to ever refer to myself as ‘we’ - because overindulgence in alters is unhealthy and inhibits integration. All alter attention and communication should be for gaining system trust, releasing trauma memories, and encouraging cooperation and integration. Which is why I recommend victims strictly address themselves as ‘I’ instead of ‘we.’ Too many therapists seem titillated by the notion of multiple personalities; they waste precious therapy time and money familiarising themselves with, and indulging in, every alter they can possibly find. The worst example of alter overindulgence occurred at Colin Ross’ conferences where organisers provided a preschool playroom, stuffed toys, and colouring-in activities to entertain child alters.
One victim’s system may contain thousands of splits, and it would take many lifetimes to get to know every alter. Instead of mapping an entire alter system, and trying to speak with every alter, effective therapy focuses on identifying and processing the trauma incidents which that created the alters in the first place. A single torture session is used to create multiple alters within the victim. Therefore, if a victim processes the memories of a single trauma incident, they will integrate up to hundreds of related alters in one go. Therapy must be Trauma-Focussed, not alter-focussed, to integrate a system.
REACHING THE CORE IS KEY
The greatest integration shortcut of all occurs when the victim remembers the trauma incident that split their Core. As I said, instant integration occurs when a victim’s Core personality meets her splits. Victims often tell me they have no Core, that their therapist can’t locate their Core, and they ask me, ‘What is my Core?’ Your Core is the you that existed before perpetrators touched you and messed with your brain. For some, this began in utero and so the victim has no memory of their personality being intact. The Core is your soul, spirit, or consciousness - the part of you that leaves your physical body when you die or astral travel. Consciousness exists apart from the physical body, which is why mainstream scientists are currently working on ways of transferring the soul or consciousness to other physical vessels, such as cloned or synthetic forms. Thereby the wealthy elite responsible for MK-ULTRA plan to cheat death and avoid judgement.
During the most intense phase of my memory recovery process I swam a kilometre per day, six days a week. I found swimming crucial to integration for several reasons. Freestyle lap swimming is a bilateral action which stimulates the brain hemispheres to work together. I felt swimming digested the cognitive load I experienced during a therapy session. Swimming soothed the extreme autonomic nervous system arousal that occurred during therapy, and seemingly countered the dangerous impact therapy had on my heart. Mid-lap one day, I was struck by an inaudible sentence, ‘You heart is regenerating.’ The laps usually felt effortless and I physically sensed the integration.
An examination of left-brain Western plus bilateral Eastern conceptualisation helped me understand how and why swimming proved so essential to my integration and trauma recovery. The vagus nerve starts at the brain stem and connects to ‘mini-brains’ found in the body’s major organs including the mesentery which wraps around the gut. The vagus nerve affects the heart, lungs, stomach, immune and endocrine systems. When stimulated, the vagus nerve activates the parasympathetic nervous system and calms the sympathetic system responsible for the ‘fight-flight’ response. The vagus nerve is stimulated by touch, movement or breath, such as deep diaphragmatic breathing, prayer, exercise, laughter, massage, and cold-water immersion. Swimming covers three of these.
The Chinese have long recognised the importance of the mesentery. They say the human body runs on Chi, which we know as electromagnetic energy, and the mesentery is the battery. This battery must be charged for the body to maintain energy. Caffeine is an artificial way Westerners charge the mesentery battery, while Chinese recommend deep diaphragmatic breathing as an appropriate mesentery stimulant. I found classical singing relaxing and therapeutic because my singing teacher employed the intercostal diaphragmatic breathing technique.
Typing was another bilateral activity that helped me to cognitively digest trauma between therapy sessions. I hand wrote letters to my first two therapists, and typed emails to my last. Being a bilateral activity, typing felt more integrating than handwriting. My emails began as a simple exchange of basic information about appointment times. As my situation became critical, I began using email as a journaling process. Even if my therapist did not immediately read my emails, knowing they were immediately received was key to pain relief. I tried journaling to myself, which proved an ineffective substitute.
HERBAL MEDICINES Herbal medicines did what no drug ever could -settled my nervous system pain within one hour. You need live herbal tinctures made by an experienced herbalist, as these medicines are far more and potent and effective than dried herbs. The Australian drug authorities and medical doctors are eliminating herbalism in Australia. There are no more courses in pure herbalism, and Australia will not recognise overseas qualifications. I completed a short course in live herbal manufacturing which taught me more in one week than students learn in a four-year naturopathy degree.
Throw out your TV
EEG studies show that television converts the brain from Beta to Alpha plus near Delta wave activity associated with a mild trance-like state. TV reduces our ability to verbally communicate and to think critically. It suppresses our left brain and allows information to pass unedited into our right hemisphere. This is just more brainwashing and a reinforcement of MK-ULTRA programming. Therefore, it is important for the person trying to integrate from mind control to throw out their TV. No computer games either; read David Gillespie’s book Teen Brain (2019) about the detrimental impact of screens on the developing brain to understand why. In fact, read all of Gillespie’s amazing books. He was the first person to damn refined sugar and expose its connections to obesity, heart disease and mental health. It is helpful for victims to understand how fructose switched off the part of the brain that tells us we’re full, and that alcohol, the worst thing for neurological damage, is sugar and so has a similar effect.
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DESTROYING THE MATRIX
Writing this book served as a double-edged sword. It continually triggered my memory for my abuse, which made me violently ill, but simultaneously allowed me to access and process and integrate more sections of compartmentalised neural circuitry.
While I foresaw the assassination of asset Isaac Kappy, I did not anticipate his murder occurring at the same time as the death of my pedophile perpetrator Bob Hawke. That was a triggering combination. I entered therapy the following week too depleted to relay the weeks’ events. I positioned myself on the couch and asked my therapist to combine EMDR with hypnosis.
‘Why am I doing that?’ he asked.
‘Because you devised the technique and I think it’s a good one.’
‘But why am I doing this today?’
‘Because my right hemisphere always knows what it’s doing, and it wants to do this.’
‘So, you’re going with your gut instinct?’
‘No. The mesentery has its own mini brain, but it is the right hemisphere that processes implicitly and tells me what to do without adding the reason why. I just wrote a book chapter all about it.’
‘How’s the book going?’
Nope. Was not going to discuss that either, as it was tied into a long week. ‘No words. Just do the therapy.’
He agreed, and soon I was dissociated enough to enter Mengele’s induction routine. I self-induced as usual, spiralled down the water channel. I surfaced in the Dagon ritual pool. Only, this time was different. Usually there were no characters. This time there were guards at the doors which opened automatically to reveal Dagon seated on his gold throne. I bowed on one knee to the entity, placing my arms overhead in the shape of a bishop’s hat. Suddenly, I barged through the left red ritual door and marched through the rows of caged blonde children, bellowing, ‘Someday I am going to save ALL of you!’ I opened the door to Mengele’s lab beneath the US Embassy in Canberra rushed toward the Jabba The Hut lookalike, shoved my fingers around his throat – and choked him.
I exited via the blue door in the corner and began running toward the escape hatch when suddenly I detoured to a program. I took a back door to the blue, soldier programming area where countless programs were stacked to the ceiling, represented by a myriad of ancient and modern military costumes from various countries. I took a long sword and began smashing everything in sight. When that proved too time consuming, I smashed at the walls and toppled the entire room in one go. Then I realised I was Angel, wielding a samurai sword.
Real pain struck my head. Not this time! I asserted, and visualised walking through my brain and slashing open blocked pathways to allow electric current flow through. The pain instantly disappeared. Next I was hit with genuine vertigo and nausea. Again, I pictured slashing open the closed neural circuitry. I saw the micro flesh, the multiple openings, and the flash of electric current as they opened. The vertigo disappeared immediately. Then I was assaulted with verbal thought loops. I tapped into where it was coming from – the left hemisphere – and slashed it too. I was replicating the visualisation technique that Mengele used to create the neural pathways and programs in the first place.
Finally, I climbed up Mengele’s blue soldier room and emerged through a vent onto the manicured lawn of the US Embassy.
‘When you’re ready,’ my therapist droned.
I described the carnage. ‘It’s like the final scene of The Matrix. I can destroy their programming because this is in my brain and I can do as I like. I am taking control.’